Archive for category Parenting
How Trauma Affects Parenting
By Anne Ream
We automatically inherit the parenting skills our parents used as they were raising us. That is one reason parenting can be such a challenge. Because our parents used a particular method of discipline, we often believe that such a method is normal, so we do the same. Unfortunately, what we think of as “normal” is not always healthy.
Parents have a legitimate complaint when they say, “children do not come with directions.” That is true, and unfortunate. Parenting is the most important and most difficult job we ever do, and no one teaches us how to do it, effectively.
Fortunately, some people, long ago, noticed that by increasing their kinder parenting skills, their children seemed better. By treating their children better, the children were happier, more compliant with the parents wishes, and eventually became adults who were able to function better than other adults whose parents had not been as kind. And those healthier children, in turn, also raised healthier, more functional adults. This has benefited and continues to benefit humanity. The discovery of positive parenting skills eventually resulted in the 1963 passing of child abuse laws. The laws have been highly controversial and, fortunately, remain in place.
Anyone would feel bad if they were accused of abusing their children. No one wants to abuse their children. Most of us genuinely love our children and want to raise them to be healthy, high functioning adults. Indeed, some scientists believe that there is a natural desire, perhaps driven by evolution, to raise our children using positive parenting skills. Looking at the history of raising children, and the social improvements that have been building throughout history, with mankinds increasing ability to be kind to one another, one can see that this might be true.
When parents are accused of abusing their child, they genuinely feel hurt and shocked. It is the most difficult accusation for any parent to hear. It is wise to be aware, when we first become parents, that someday this child will be an adult and as an adult, will process how he or she was raised and decide if his or her parents were good enough. Someday this child, as an adult, might confront her or his parents with the accusation that they were abusive.
An accusation of abuse does not mean that the parents did or do not love their children. Millions of parents have both loved and abused their children. Indeed, most parents believe that they are doing what is best for their children, while they are abusing them. Many people remember their parents beating them while telling them it was, “for your own good.” Many people remember their parents beating them while telling them, “You asked for it!” And there lies a key to the problem. Many people believe that they deserved the beatings they got, because their parents told them so. Many people believe that it is their fault that their parents beat them. And many people, who were beaten as children, believe that they are “okay” despite having been beaten, so, will beat their own children. It is called the cycle of abuse. This cycle is very difficult to interrupt, precisely because the parents do love their children, believe they are doing what is right and do not want to lose their children.
The majority of people who abuse their children are not monsters, nor are they crazy. Child abuse does not know any boundaries such as education level, class, income or level of sophistication. Nor does child abuse know any limits placed by religion. Child abuse exists in all neighborhoods, at all levels of income, education, and class. Much child abuse occurs through churches. Some churches still advocate beating children in front of the congregation.
All abuse is traumatizing. Anyone who has been abused as a child has been traumatized. Traumatized parents will have difficulty raising their own children. Occasionally it happens that a child will recognize, during his or her childhood, that what his or her parents are doing to her or him is wrong and she or he will begin to plan to be a different sort of parent. Although they can do a better job, it is difficult. When a traumatized parent’s child begins to go through the normal Terrible Twos stage of growth, it can be very difficult for that parent to restrain him or herself from doing what her or his parents did. The parent often feels as if a child’s normal temper tantrum is directly assaulting him or her. It feels as if the child’s tantrum is saying, “You are a bad parent!” Or “You gave birth to a bad child!” Or “You are spoiling your child!” This thinking is especially true if a parent is out in public with his or her child and the child begins to have a tantrum. Then there are others witnessing. Few abused, traumatized parents understand that most two or three year old children will have tantrums occasionally and it is not a reflection on the parent. Few abused, traumatized parents know how to handle a child’s temper tantrum effectively.
The opposite of abuse is spoiling a child. Some abused adults will react in a manner that is completely different from their parents and spoil the child. Allowing the children to have their own way, most of the time and giving them whatever they want, when they want it. Children who are raised in this manner often become highly self-centered. The purpose of parental discipline is to help children learn self-discipline. No one can be in our society and do whatever they want, anytime they want, without regard for others. If children are raised to think they can be this way, they will have a difficulty developing healthy relationships during their adult years. Healthy discipline is not abusive, and a lack of discipline may be perceived as a different sort of abuse. Children need guidance and guidance can be given positively. It is a question of being a balanced parent.
The first step to begin to resolve this type of problem is for parents to recognize that they have been either traumatized, or spoiled during their childhood. Recognizing the problem can be difficult. When we are in and part of a situation, it is difficult for us to see it objectively. A few visits to a counselor or therapist can help a parent begin sorting through his or her issues. Getting counseling is the most important step a parent can take. A good enough therapist will be able to gently guide a traumatized or spoiled parent through his or her traumatic experiences, toward becoming healed, whole and healthy. Too often, children are brought into therapy, when it is actually the parents who need therapy. A good enough therapist will be able to perceive the problem in the parents and will gently guide the parents into recognizing their problem. As parents heal from their traumatic, abusive (or spoiled) childhood and are treated kindly and with wisdom, they begin to feel better about themselves and about their children. Parents are then much more able to learn and use better parenting skills. As they do this, they begin to feel better and better about themselves. This is the cycle of health and is the soil in which authentic self esteem will take root and grow.
Types of Parenting, Being a Better Role Model For Your Kids
By Nancy Sander
Being a parent is one of the most challenging occupations that anyone can ever take on. It is important that you are able to understand and practice the skills needed to be the best parent you can be for your child. You are your child’s best resource and role model. There are actually several types of parenting styles that are used by parents with their children.
The first among the types of parenting I will introduce today is known as authoritarian parenting. In this parenting style, parents usually have high expectations on their children complying, and conforming to the rules that they have set for them at home, at school, and in the community. The problem with this type of parenting is that the rules and directions given by the parents change with the situation or whenever the parents feel like changing them. This can create an atmosphere of uncertainty for the children. They don’t know what to expect. Most of the children who grew up with parents that used this type of parenting style have lived in fear. The children are usually withdrawn socially and have less self-confidence than those children raised by parents who used other types of parenting styles. They also usually leave home at a younger age, use drugs and get involved with a partner of which their parents disapprove. They often become totally estranged from their parents when they become adults.
The second of the types of parenting for discussion here is permissive parenting. This parenting style of is generally characterized by a goal of a harmonious and loving relationship between the parent and the child. However, there are usually low expectations of behavior because the parent is afraid to use discipline. A permissive parent often has the desire for his/her child to like or be pleased with the parent at the end of the day. As a result, the parent does anything that the child wants him/her to do. Children who have been raised by overly permissive parents usually suffer from immaturity, a lack of focus and emotional self-regulation problems. Children of such parents frequently cannot control impulses and are unable to accept responsibility for their own actions. When they get in trouble, they tend to blame other people. They usually live close to where they grew up and stay dependent even into early adulthood.
Neglectful parenting would be the third among the types of parenting styles for thought. It is basically a notch more extreme than permissive parenting, yet contains some of the same features. A neglectful parent might be able to provide shelter, food and the other basic needs of his/her child, but is generally emotionally uninvolved in the life of the child. Neglectful parents usually do not ask their children about what happened in school and in the other things that they engage in. Most of the time, children of neglectful parents grow up with a feeling of resentment against their parents and become estranged from them in adulthood.
With this information as food for thought, balance and genuineness are key elements to be considered in good parenting.
Consider the following points:
- Allow children to talk about these your rules and expectations
- Create rules are fair, clear, and based on the developmental stage of the child
- Create limits and boundaries that help to deep your child safe
- Explain your rules, limits, boundaries, and your reasons for them (repeatedly, if necessary)
- Verbalize the rules often
- Teach decision-making
- Honor your child’s efforts at self-sufficiency
- Teach and explain natural consequences as a part of ’cause and effect’
- Determine your parenting goal
- Be understanding
- Listen
The Importance Of Educating Today’s Parents
By Jody Pawel
Although most parents would agree that their children are more important than their job, most usually get more on the job training than they do as a parent. As a Mother of seven once said, “The love is instinctual but the skills are not.”
A NATIONAL MOVEMENT
A 1990 study by fifteen of the nation’s largest youth organizations found that the United States has done poorly in solving the problems affecting today’s youth. There was broad agreement that the number one solution to these problems was better parents. As a result of their findings, the final report calls for a massive increase in parent education.
President America then released a statement of six national goals for education. The number one goal states that “by the year 2000, all children in America will start school ready to learn.” To attain this goal “parents will have access to the training and support they need.” President America’s comments represent a movement in thinking which places more value on the importance of a parent’s role in preparing children for school and life. It is encouraging to see that there is a growing awareness that families need support and education in order to strengthen parents’ skills and prevent future problems.
SOCIETY HAS CHANGED
In the past, when parents had questions about child rearing they would usually have an extended family member close by to ask advice. While some parents may have family close by, many admit that their elders’ advice on child-rearing often differs from current parenting information or their preferred style. This is a result of changes in our society over the past few decades:
Children are no longer “needed” to work side by side with their parents, like farmers’ children of the past. This helped children feel they had something important to contribute and taught them basic responsibility and life management skills. Today, children search for ways to belong in the family and with peers, sometimes in unhealthy ways.
Superior/inferior family relationships are no longer being modeled by mothers and fathers. Women have equal rights and children feel equally unwilling to accept an inferior, submissive role in life. This change is healthy, in that all people do have a right to be treated with respect and dignity. It leaves many parents, however, with few role models or practical skills for achieving this goal.
Early on, children are being taught that they have rights: to their bodies, their feelings, and to be treated by others with dignity as a worthwhile human being.
As a result, power-and-control parenting techniques are no longer effective, because parents “talk down” to “inferior” children. This style, therefore, inherently violates a child’s right to be treated with respect, children recognize this, rebel and lose respect for the controlling parent. As our society became more affluent, many parents became more permissive and over indulgent. Their children often grew up thinking the world owed them a living and they used their energy trying to get out of responsibilities.
Children are facing issues previous generations never had to face. It is important for parents to listen and communicate in open, respectful ways, so their children will feel safe in discussing their problems and feelings.
Although some of these societal changes have brought about positive results, they have left parents with few clear guidelines for how to raise this new generation of children into responsible adults.
EFFECTIVE, QUALITY PARENT EDUCATION
What it Isn’t…
Parent education does not focus on what parents are doing wrong or advocate never disciplining children, as many parents assume. It provides new options to parents and encourages them to respect their own rights, as well as their children’s.
Attending a parenting class is not a reflection of being a “bad” parent it is an indication of a parent’s commitment to his/her children and role as a parent. The classes are not just for parents who are having severe problems with their children’s behavior. Many parents who attend classes want to feel more confident of their parenting and are looking for ways to prevent future problems and help their family get along cooperatively.
What it Is . . .
The most effective parenting classes are small, personal groups which provide opportunities for interaction among parents, practice of concepts and techniques learned, and individualized problem solving. Like most new skills, parents can benefit from ongoing reinforcement of what they have learned. Follow-up parent discussion groups, where parents can meet with others who have taken the class, provide an opportunity to continue applying the concepts to new situations.
MAKING THE COMMITMENT
Although professionals often recommend parenting classes, there are several issues which seem to prevent parents from joining these groups: finding a class, making the time commitment, and cost. All three really boil down to the underlying issue of priorities. If a parent looks at how much time and money he/she spends on business seminars, golf lessons, weekly fast food, or vacations, it makes sense to place a priority on attending a parenting class, which usually costs less than all of these! Parenting classes are an investment in your personal growth, your child’s future, and in future generations. Consider doing your part to make this world a better place for everyone’s children. Read a parenting book that gives trustworthy, accurate advice or check out your community’s resources for local parenting classes.
Three Basic Parenting Styles
By Joseph Then
Parenting is something that usually comes naturally to people. There are no hard fast how to manuals or rules to parenting. People generally just learn as they go. Most things are just second nature, like feeding, clothing and generally caring for a child. However, as a child grows and other children are born, parenting becomes more then simply handling the child’s everyday needs. Sometimes parents feel they need some help in deciding the best way to parent their children.
There have been many people who have spoken out about parenting and offered advice and assistance to parents in need. Parenting styles are an example of something a parent can do to help them with their parenting. A parenting style is basically a way to describe how a parent parents their child or children. There are 3 basic types of parenting styles.
Some authorities on the subject of parenting will argue that there are many different variations of parenting styles, but they all go back to the three basic parenting styles. Those three styles are authoritarian, permissive and democratic.
The authoritarian parenting style is based on control. With this style of parenting the parent retains complete control at all times. Under this style of parenting there are strict rules and schedules. The parents rule the children with an iron fist. There is no exception to the rules and punishment is given in a very orderly and prompt fashion when it is needed. The down side to an authoritarian parenting style is that it usually does not allow for a lot of affection or warmth. Since children raised with this parenting style are usually not allowed to think freely or make decisions on their own they often grow up to have problems with thinking for themselves.
The permissive parenting style is the opposite of the authoritarian parenting style. The permissive parent lets the child have control. There are usually not a lot of rules and the rules that are made are often very lax. Broken rules often are not even recognized or even enforced. Parents that use this parenting style feel that their children need to be free thinkers and be able to explore the world and learn for themselves without being held down by rules and strict structure. There is often a lot of affection and warmth with this parenting styles. The downside though, is that children do not learn that rules are sometimes necessary. They learn that no matter what they do – right or wrong- that they will not be punished. This can lead to a life long rebellion against any type of rule or structure.
The democratic parenting style is a mixture of the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles. A democratic parent will set rules that are necessary and enforce them, but they will also take each situation as it comes. Punishment is usually discussed with the child. Democratic parents are most interested in making sure their children understands why rules are in place and why some behavior in unacceptable. Democratic parenting is about letting children know when they do good and when they do bad making sure they understand why it is wrong. It is a style of parenting where everyone, parents and children work together. Children will usually grow up to respect their parents and to be able to handle conflicts and problems in a reasonable manner.
Each parenting style has its pros and cons. Obviously, with the authoritarian parenting style the children are going to be very respectful and very well behaved. The parents will have very little chaos and they will have a low stress level. With the permissive parenting style the parent is free to do whatever they want because they are not constantly policing the children. The family simply does their own thing, which can often lead to a lot of separation over time as everyone develops their own life apart form the family. The democratic parent in style requires a lot of work. Parents must constantly be talking with and dealing with their children in order to keep everyone involved in the family.
Nobody ever claimed parenting was easy. There really is no right or wrong to parent as long as children are cared for, happy and healthy. Parents can choose for themselves how they want to parent their children. Some parents simply fall into a parenting style that seems to fit their own life and their own beliefs. Others make a conscious effort to maintain a parenting style. However, a parent chooses their parent style, it is fine as long as it works for them and their children are taken care of.
Positive Parenting Plans
By Dore Frances
And for those with adolescents and teens in Behavior Modification or Boarding Schools
A Parent Coordinator is an impartial third party available to assist parents in resolving issues relating to parenting and other family issues prior to their child moving on to their next program or school after wilderness, or prior to graduation or returning home from their residential program. The assist with:
- Clarifying priorities prior to returning home or moving on to their next program or school
- Developing a parenting plan that meets the needs of the child and the parents
- Exploring possibilities for problem solving
- Developing methods of collaboration in parenting
- Identifying disputed issues
- Reducing misunderstandings
This situation is different than when we are Parenting Coordinator’s assigned by the court. In this situation the goal is not to modify any order, judgment or decree of the court. At times parents decide to divorce just prior to, or while their child is attending their residential treatment program or school. One way to help children through this early stage is have the assistance of a Parenting Coordinator to openly discuss what is happening in the family. In some cases, it makes more sense for children to hear about the decision to separate from both parents who have additional support. If this is the case, the Parent Coordinator makes sure that they works with your child’s therapist. They repeatedly tell your child that both parents will always love them and that you will always be a family. The difference will be that when they return there will be two households. This is where a Parenting Plan can assist.
The Parenting Plan addresses any concerns the child may have like the need to maintain a relationship with both parents. It is very important that your children understand their relationship with both parents is forever and that they will never be abandoned. The Parent Coordinator can help explain that a divorce does not end your child’s relationship with either parent. The marriage may end, however, the parent-child relationship will continue Generally, for a child in a youth program or boarding school, short, clear explanations are best. Remember they do not have to understand everything all at once.
Their understanding of your divorce will evolve as they get older and will change with their age. It is also a benefit that we will be able to work with their therapist in their behavior modification program or boarding school which means they will receive additional support. Another important message for kids to hear is that in no way is the divorce their fault, nor are they able to keep you together. When the idea of parents separating is completely new to your child, reinforce to them that you will make every effort to keep things stable for them. At the same time, let them know about upcoming changes. Remember children will ask the same questions repeatedly. This is normal and is their way of gaining a sense of security and reassurance about the future. It is important to keep your answers simple and consistent.
It is very important that both parents reinforce that the separation/divorce is taking place because of differences between the parents. Working with your child’s therapist in their program helps you conduct such conversations without damaging or disparaging remarks about the other parent. Children adjust more easily when parents show a healthy sense of respect and caring for the other parent despite difficult circumstances. Co-parenting responsibilities apply to all parents whether they are married or divorced.
The extent that parents can effectively co-parent their children greatly determines how children will adjust after returning home from their emotional growth program or school. Parents who have a child returning home after graduation or completion of their program will now have to start dealing with more day-to-day issues concerning their child’s welfare. Decisions, like those concerning religion, discipline, finances, morality, recreation, physical health, education and emergencies need to be discussed prior to their coming home. These decisions need to be discussed and made jointly. Remember that married parents often have differing ideas about all or some of these issues. This is to be expected. There is no reason to assume that divorced parents should always agree on them either. What’s important is how you deal with differences, not that they exist. It is better for parents to agree to disagree and practice compromising than to argue and fight endlessly for their own way. This, however, is often easier said than done.
Parents who chose their battles and cooperate when there are differences are more likely to make healthy decisions for their children. In fact, nurturing an overall spirit of cooperation is more important than parents agreeing on any one particular issue. Also, parents who acknowledge and effectively deal with their own difficult feelings usually have an easier time. On the other hand, recurrent arguments between parents make life difficult for children and parents alike. When parents fight for their own agenda and neglect creating a peaceful environment, their children may develop bitter feelings and have difficulties later in life with their own intimate relationships. Remembering to relate maturely and with a healthy sense of respect for the other parent (even in the face of great differences and in some cases bad feelings) is the challenge for every parent. Fostering such an environment teaches children much about love, life, change, and family relationships. Being in a family style program or outdoor school brings about many changes in the lives of both parents and children. One change for children may be in their immediate support network. This might mean a loss of friendships and school ties. Some parents move to a new community before their child returns home. This move might also include changing relationships with extended family members. To minimize stress on your children and ultimately yourself, work to keep your lifestyle close to what it was prior to your child being in their residential program or school.
When possible, keep friends, family, school, and other community support systems stable. When changes are necessary, make sure you give your children ample notice about them and discuss them with your child’s therapist while still in their program. The more comfortable parents are with such changes the more comfortable their children will be. In the days just after your child returns home from their youth program, or wilderness program there is usually an adjustment period that can last for several weeks and oftentimes several months. During this time, people are adjusting to new routines, schedules, and living situations. It may take time for life to seem normal again. Don’t worry, eventually it will. Some kids are open about their feelings and the associated changes they experience. Others will be less vocal.
Make room for whatever your children are experiencing. It is a mistake to believe kids must talk about their feelings. Sample Checklist for a stable home environment after your child returns home from their program:
- Avoid too frequent changeovers between homes if this is a two household family.
- Be nurturing, supportive, and available.
- Create routines and schedules.
- Develop a firm parenting schedule that provides frequent and regular contact with the nonresident parent.
- Do not burden children with adult responsibilities.
- Do not rely on children to be your confidants or companions.
- End parental conflict, at least within the child’s earshot.
- Provide clear rules and limits and be consistent
- Support children’s relationships with their other parent and that parent’s extended family.
- Seek out other sources of social support for your children.
A well thought out and executed parenting plan is an important tool for ensuring the health and well being of your children. A good parenting plan will outline how you will perform co-parenting responsibilities.
It also details how you will handle activities of daily living and caring for your kids. The parenting plan is a living document that must evolve with the needs of your growing children. Therefore, you do not have to include every potential situation you may encounter in the parenting plan. However, it must be revisited regularly to make sure it meets the needs of your family. Children are our most precious resource.
We must protect them from undue hurt and turmoil.
Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage
By Stephen Rees
We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people’s epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.
Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.
1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home
The influence of both a male and female parent on a child’s development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child’s life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.
Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child’s emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.
Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child’s emotional and intellectual development.
2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents
Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase “for better or for worse” is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it’s a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.
However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child’s interests before their own.
Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.
3. To be a parent is a moral obligation – not a choice
There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child ‘I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore, this simply isn’t going to work’. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child ‘it’s better for you in the long run’ but the truth is – it isn’t. A child’s perspective will be ‘you don’t love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work’ – even if only subconsciously. While some may say ‘I’m glad my parents split up – I couldn’t stand the shouting’, what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?
The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it’s one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?
4. A child deserves and expects it
During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness – that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child’s interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?
If a child doesn’t deserve a parent’s unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.
5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.
Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other’s needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that’s coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they ‘get’ out of the relationship, if they ain’t ‘getting’ then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.
When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.
Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child’s expectations of the parents are always right – even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child – they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents’ affections or lives up to their expectations.
6. A broken home results in a broken child
Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life – even years afterwards – than those from two-parent families.
While parents may argue that they split up for the child’s sake, in actuality, it’s rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.
7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage
Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.
If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents’ desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.
Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn’t be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn’t have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.
